Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
