You work out of a Hotel?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
