pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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