If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
