pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
