i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
