Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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