I murdered the dance floor call the cops
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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