I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
