Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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