do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
