Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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