M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
that is very illegal...i love you.
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