my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
