her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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