Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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