oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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