watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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