Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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