i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
