I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
