I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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