So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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