And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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