you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
