It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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