Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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