I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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