Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
