Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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