She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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