Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
