Someone shit on the floor
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
