the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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