Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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