Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
