dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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