I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
