Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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