I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
