I wish I could teleport
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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