I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
