i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
