What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
