I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
