I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
