So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
