I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
