The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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