you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
did i walk over a car last night?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
