omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
