Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
