There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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