is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
