the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
