enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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